Letting Go

Last weekend I went to Kirksville and it was really amazing.  Before I went I was all full of emotions.  I was really anxious and nervous, but also determined to have a great time.  We hung out, baked, talked, and went on an awesome picnic, but the best part of the weekend was spending time out at the living cross at Jo-Ota with Erin.  While the rest of the Flame was out doing the challenge course, Erin and I went up to the living cross for some much-needed quiet time.  As soon as I got into that space, I knew it was exactly where I was supposed to be...and needed to be.  I felt so calm and my time there allowed me to let go of a lot and find the peace I've been needing. 

I have been carrying around a lot of hurt and anger for a while now, and much more lately.  I became so far from God, and wasn't letting Him in to heal me.  I knew that I had to go back to him if I'm ever going to really be healed of all this hurt.  At the living cross I started that journey, and I felt renewed.  I am continually working on letting go of the things that have happened so I can move on and get back to being me. 

Love is in the Air

No, not for me, at least not in a romantic way.  The last two weekends I've been at weddings, which makes me think even more about love.  It has been such an incredible joy to see my friends fall in love and grow in their relationships, and get married.  I love weddings. This is no secret.  I get really excited about dresses and flowers and decorations, but even more exciting is the chance to SEE love.  Yes, I mean see.  Obviously love is something you feel, but I love it when you can see it.  People in love look at each other differently.  That's why we all love to look at the groom when the bride is walking down the aisle: we can see his love for her. 

Being at these weddings, as great as they were, made me think a lot.  They reminded me again of what I want: to love and be loved, to share my life with someone.  These things always go through my mind when I'm at weddings, and I guess it was just more on my mind because of everything that's been going on.  I am so incredibly happy for the couples I've been celebrating, but it is kinda hard to be celebrating love when I'm trying to fall out of it.  I can't lie and say that my heart doesn't hurt, but it's on the mend.  I'm learning to let myself be worth more, and that I'm allowed to have expectations and emotions.  I'm trying to stay positive and focus on the things i'm learning instead of the hurt.  I have so much love in my life, I really don't want to lose sight of all of the other wonderful people in my life. 

Into the Swing

I've decided one of my favorite things about living in Kansas City is the River Market.  I've been a few times now and I always leave happy.  My first Friday here, Craig and I went down for some dinner and had some really awesome Chinese food.  Today Sarah and I went down to check out the actual market, and it was so cool. (and made me feel slightly like I was back in the markets of Kenya, only much smaller)  It's all open-air, and there's all kinds of fresh produce, for great prices.  Today I got a bunch of yukon gold potatoes, two red onions, and a green pepper for $2.50.  That's crazy awesome!  Also, there is a place that just has tubs of spices, like every spice you could ever need, and some loose leaf teas.  It smells amazing, and makes me want Indian food.

Also, today was my second day of work.  Tuesday I went in and filled out paperwork, then got thrown right in and learned the register and checked a bunch of people out.  I also got to use the scan- gun to put things back in their proper place on the shelves.  It was pretty sweet.  The girl that's training me wasn't there today, so I pretty much just put back returns and straightened things up today.  I also got to use one of the radios for the first time, which was pretty sweet and definitely makes things easier since I can just ask where something is to help a customer and one of my coworkers can just tell me through my earbud.  I think I'm gonna like this job, though I've already seen a bunch of things I want, which could be bad. 

Love Remains

So far this weekend has been a wonderful reminder that though many things do change, others stay the same, like the love of a friend.  Friday night I got to go to Laura and Nick's for game night, which was super fun.  We tried to steal Britain's crown jewels, sailed the seas in Pirate's life, and were smarties for a while.  Even better than the games was just being with such a good friend again.  Laura and I realized we hadn't seen each other since the wedding a year ago, but as soon as I walked through the door it was as though no time had passed.  I find such joy in that. 

I know that I am a person who gets stuck in my own head and I can be pretty hard on myself if I feel I haven't been keeping in contact with friends as well as I should be.  Friday night helped to pull me out of that for a moment and remind me that in real friendships the love remains despite distance or time.  
And for that I am so very thankful. :)

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Today has been a day of reflection.  It seems I've been doing that a lot lately.

As I sit in my room, looking out to the city lights, it has occurred to me that this weekend marks the 'month-iversary' of my living in Kansas City.  What a change this has been; moving from a small town into the city, living with a best friend who is going through the challenge that is med school, trying to figure out who I am and what I'm doing.

While these are a lot of changes, I have to say most of my reflection has been on the changes that have happened inside me during this past year.  It is no secret to you all that this has been the hardest year of my life, and I cannot help but feel I have been weakened.  More than ever before, these hardships have left me feeling weary and more than a little lost.  While I stumble through, trying to put pieces back together, I still look for the positive that must come, hoping for strength in this weakness. 

I am hoping that this new city can bring with it healing and renewal; a chance to start again.